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Recognizing the signs of abuse
Posted by
MisterG
on
Sunday, October 16, 2005 (MST)
Recognize abusive situations and relationships.
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adapted from The National Leather Association: International - Austin Chapter Web Site (http://www.nla-austin.org/)
Physical:
- Does your partner ever hit, choke, slap, or otherwise physically hurt you outside the context of a scene?
- Has he/she ever restrained you against your will, locked you in a room, or used a weapon of any kind?
- Are you afraid of your partner?
Sexual:
- Rape and forced sexual acts are not part of consensual S/M.
- Battering is not "agreed" upon; there is an absence of "safe words."
- Are you confused about when a scene begins and ends?
- Does your partner ever ignore your safe words or pressure you not to use them?
- Has she/he ever violated your limits?
- Do you feel "trapped" in a specific role (e.g. top/bottom)?
- Does your partner constantly criticize your performance, withhold sex as a means of control, or ridicule you for the limits you do set?
- Do you feel obliged to have sex?
- Does your partner use sex to make up after a violent incident?
Isolation:
- Does your partner isolate you from friends, family, or groups?
Property:
- Has your partner ever destroyed objects or threatened pets?
Economic:
- Does your partner limit access to work or to material resources?
- Ever stolen from you or run up debts?
Emotional/Psychological:
- Are you or your partner emotionally dependent on one another?
- Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance and being very close?
- Is your partner constantly criticizing you, humiliating you, and generally undermining your self-esteem?
- Does your partner use scenes to express/cover up anger and frustration?
- Do you feel you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
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FOR SURVIVORS:
- No one has the right to abuse you. You are not responsible for the violence.
- You are not alone. Connect with other survivors.
- There are many reasons for staying in abusive relationships -- fear of (or feelings for) the abuser, and lack of economic or emotional resources. If you stay, help is still available. Find out about shelters, support groups, counselors, anti-violence programs and 24 hour crisis lines in your area. Ask a friend to help you.
- Plan a strategy if you have to leave quickly. Line up friends and family in case of an emergency.
- Battering is a crime. Find out about your legal rights and options. You can get the court to order the person to stop hurting you through an Order for Protection (OFP) or a Harassment Restraining Order. You do not need a lawyer.
FOR COMMUNITY MEMBERS:
- Realize that domestic violence does exist in the SM/Leather/Fetish community.
- Don't blame survivors for the violence. Hold batterers accountable.
- Listen to any person who has the courage to talk about his/her experience. Keep all information confidential. Be supportive.
- Understand that leaving is difficult. Let the person make his/her own choices. Support the process of making choices, even if you don't agree with the person's choices.
- Be a resource - help find safe housing and legal advocacy, contact community resources, and offer emotional support.
FOR GROUPS:
- Educate your community. Take advantage of books on domestic violence; invite knowledgeable speakers; lead discussions; talk with survivors.
- As a group, offer emotional and practical help to survivors. Know what resources in your area are S/M- supportive.
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